


The Pain Will Never Outweigh the Regret

by daringem87



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:32:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daringem87/pseuds/daringem87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke has left it all behind, every friend, ally and enemy. He isolates himself on an island where he is alone with his thoughts. Or so he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pain Will Never Outweigh the Regret

He often wondered if the pain and sorrow he felt, was just how his life had to be. Maybe he wasn’t meant to be a beacon of hope, or even a flicker of hope. He often pondered this as he looked across the sea. Silence was no longer his enemy, it was never silent. Not anymore. He was responsible, and he alone knew this. He was responsible for it all. It played over and over in his mind, until he would gently cry. 

He had to go to exile. It made the most sense. He knew Leia blamed him. He knew they all blamed him. Who wouldn’t? So many children had died that night, the future of the galaxy had died. Hell, even he died. Is this what Ben had felt like? A loss of hope. 

Luke was older now, he had outgrown his boyish looks and had replaced it with a beard. His eyes lacked hope now, he imagined he looked very sad, he missed so many people. He had let down so many people. He had let down Leia. Even when he closed his eyes his thoughts dwelled on how it wouldn't ever be the same for them. Leia had trusted him, and he had fucked up.  
He'd come to this island for, hell he didn't know why. He just knew it was all over. He knew that Ben was gone. He couldn't even save his own nephew. It must have been the Skywalker blood, what else was it? It wasn't just Snoke. It was so much more than that. 

Luke sighed. He hadn't been sleeping well, and he knew it was because of these vivid dreams. Over the years he had these dreams, they were less frequent in the past few months, but recently there was something familiar about them. A desert planet, but it wasn't Tatooine.

'How peculiar.' He was certain he'd never been there. 

Still it continued to show up. The force was trying to tell him something, Luke was sure of it. Still, he cut off his feels and faith to the force ages ago. He was simply Luke now.  
He chuckled as he kicked some sand on the ever growing fire. He knew if C-3P0 was here, he'd make a joke about it. Simply Luke.

'Simply Luke should have stayed on Tatooine.' He hadn't ever said that out loud but, who was going to hear him? It was only him now. 

'Well, that's not entirely true' Luke blurted out to himself, he grabbed his kit off the ground and headed back up to the cave.

Anakin's force ghost had been quite the presence at the temple in the early years, but had disappeared from Luke's side shortly before Ben was taken in by Luke. He had always assumed it was because he had finally made the transition into Master and his father had moved on into the spirit world. Luke was at peace with it, and knew the future of the Jedi order remained within him through memories and Jedi Relics he was able to find. 

It was the fifth year of isolation on the island that Anakin showed up again. 

At first Luke thought he was seeing things. It had been so many years since he’d seen his father and Obi-Wan, that he thought he had finally gone crazy. It began a slow realization that he wasn’t crazy, not yet at least. His father had come back to him. 

He was silent at first, almost observing Luke. Luke didn’t mind, he had missed seeing his father over the years. Luke had tried to build the new Jedi Order in a different way from the Old Order, Luke agreed with a lot of his father’s suggestions and had tried to implement them as best as he could. The restrictions of the Old Order had, in Luke’s mind, constricted and had allowed the Empire to become what it had become. Had his father been able to tell Ben about Luke’s mother, would his father had gone to the Emperor? Luke had often thought about this in his meditation. However, he couldn’t change the past, as much as he wished he could remember his mother, he can’t. He’ll never ever really be able to know who she was.

Images was one thing, but the pain of never knowing Padme had haunted Luke and he knew it haunted Leia as well. 

His thoughts had gone to Ben, he had felt a surge in the force and his first thought was of Ben. He wasn’t Ben anymore, he wanted to hope that Ben was still in there. But Luke wasn’t as naive as he once was. Ben was dark. He was twisted. 

‘He killed them all.’ Luke fell to his knees, it affected him stronger than anything else. It was his failure. He had failed to teach the boy, as Master Yoda had taught him. ‘I thought he was ready.’  
‘You’re not to blame, Luke.’ 

Luke glanced behind him, a tear dropped from his eye, he hadn’t heard his father’s voice in years and the sheer magnitude of hearing it brought him sorrow. 

‘You’re not to blame, my son.’ Luke got up off his stump and looked at his father, he felt anger where love used to be. ‘It is my fault. I was his teacher, his Master. I failed him. I failed them all.’  
Anakin placed a hand on his son’s shoulder for reassurance.

‘Ben’s path leads on a different road than yours, Luke.’ His father sighed as he looked off into the distance. ‘Ben is still in there; your teachings will serve him well one day. One day he’ll see the light, just as I did. He must make his own choices. There is darkness in all of us, you know that as well as anyone.’

Luke nodded. The words his father spoke were true. The darkness lived in all of them. Everyone with the Skywalker name and gene had felt the darkness. 

Luke had tried to warn the boy about the darkness, but maybe, just maybe he had gone about it the wrong way. How was he supposed to know? He hadn’t known what to teach, certainly hadn’t know the dark infliction on Ben’s soul. He couldn’t have known Snoke would appear as he had, had taken his nephew under his dark wing. 

Day after day his father appeared again and again. Words of support and of concern over Luke’s mental health. Luke had once again started to talk to himself about the choices he had made, and day after day his father would talk to him about perseverance and trust in the force. 

‘Do not lose faith in the force Luke, trust in the force.’ Luke looked at him, silent. The force, how could he trust it after what had happened? 

‘Not every end is finished. Behind every end there is another beginning that is flourishing. One that not even the force can explain. The force has its way to explain things, and by trusting in it, you’ll be able to find that peace I know you so desperately want.’ Luke thought about it, the force was still with him, it must be if his father was here, but still the force wasn’t explaining anything. What was the point in killing them all? Or worse yet, had he really killed all of those force sensitive children? Was that what he felt days ago? 

‘Leia doesn’t blame you, Luke.’ Luke closed his eyes. Leia. They were separated once again, but in a different way. Luke had wedged a scar between them. He had failed Leia, as much as he failed himself. She had trusted her son with Luke, and he had failed both of them. 

‘She needs your help; the Resistance needs your help. Leia doesn’t blame you, she loves you.’ Luke couldn’t believe that. Leia was always the strong one, she had been able to move on after so much hurt and had built herself stronger than before after the falling out with Ben. 

Still he had felt her feelings, he knew she was desperate to find him, which is why he had gone to such great lengths to stay hidden. He loved his sister, but it was better this way, she had their father’s strength and their mother’s resolve. He had to trust that she would be able to save this galaxy and then maybe Ben would find his way back, he had to trust this, even if everything in his soul told him otherwise. 

His father would show up over the next few years, the support quickly turned into stories of the Clone Wars. Luke felt at peace and it took his mind off of other things. The thoughts plagued his mind constantly, but to have a little break hearing about Anakin and Obi-Wan’s adventures, kept his mind at peace – if only for a little while. 

Luke knew deep down that he wouldn’t always be there. His father’s time to move on to the next life had to be soon. Still, Luke felt like he wanted to keep his father there, was it greedy, maybe, but seeing his father it felt like he still had some sort of life, a line to the past, and a line to his heritage. 

The silence was deafening. Without his father’s stories, his memories of his failures had come back. It was puzzling though, at least to Luke the last thing his father had told him, or tried to at least. He was talking about a surge in the force around someone, but his father didn’t expand on the thought. 

Luke was interested. Who was behind this? Surely it couldn’t have been Ben, or Kylo as he was going by now. The Knights of Ren. He was getting older now, Luke’s beard had fully grown and his mind was well aware of how he looked and felt, outside and inside. 

The disturbance in the force was strong and he knew Han.

He knew Han was gone. 

Ben had finally completed his training towards the dark side. He had finally closed that chapter. Still he also felt that surge in the force his father had mentioned. ‘Interesting.’  
He erected a tombstone to Han later that day.

He knelt down and placed his hand on the top of the stone, his hand shaking slightly. ‘Goodbye old friend. ‘ 

He sighed.

‘I’m sorry.’

As he looked outside from the cave he thought of his sister, she was truly alone now, and he shook his head. Part of him wanted to go find her, but he knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. There had many so many deaths because of him, had he not created this order, would it have been any different? 

‘She’s here.’ 

It startled Luke at first, he thought he was losing his mind. ‘Wouldn’t be the first time.’ He muttered to himself, still. It was puzzling. He exited the cave.

‘Father? Father. Is that you?’ Luke was sure it was his father’s voice. It was striking and very abrupt. 

‘She’s here, Luke.’ Luke shook his head and closed his eyes, what was this about? What kind of foolish delusion was Luke experiencing now?

He walked towards the edge where Han and the other graves laid. He had spent so many years, hoping to hear his voice again, and then to be something so obscure, confused Luke. Was it Leia? No he would have felt her presence. He was sure of it. It couldn’t be Mara, he glanced down at one of the graves.

‘No she’s been gone –‘ Luke closed his eyes he couldn’t even picture her anymore. It scared him that one day he would forget what Leia looked like, had she forgotten about Luke? Would they ever see each other again; would she be surprised of what he had be-.

Suddenly he heard rustling behind him, someone was coming, still he hadn’t felt a presence like this. Was this who is father had warned him about?

He turned around to find her in front of him.

He lowered his hood, and looked at her. 

It was impossible. He recognized those eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in like YEARS, at least ten. So be kind. Also I mentioned Mara (aka Mara Jade) just because we have no idea if Luke was/is married.


End file.
